A Sexless Marriage

My sex life is nonexistent since being married with two kids. I don’t know how prevalent the situation is, but my husband and I had a fairly good connection before we had kids. It wasn’t really strong, it wasn’t really passionate, but it was a good connection. Then after having kids it seems like our relationship has gotten very superficial and more on a to-do-list basis.

It’s probably one of the saddest things that I have had to deal with. If I had to think back in my life, “What is your deepest sorrow?” I would say that it’s the lack of connection in my marriage. Growing up, I had always thought that when you get married, you’ll have this partner that will be connected to you and you’re going to really grow together and you will really be there for each other. But very soon in my marriage I realized that’s not really true.

You really don’t know your partner until you get faced with a lot of difficulties and challenges. That’s when true colors really come out – you either sink or you swim; you work together or you don’t work together. It is ironic that the very person I was hoping to support and reassure me, is the very person that I am isolated from.

If you were just to view it from the outside looking in, you would think, “Oh my gosh, he’s the perfect husband. He’s very supportive, he’s the perfect dad.” But behind closed doors, it’s a totally different picture.

I think the biggest thing that annoys me is that I think about it constantly. He doesn’t seem to really see the importance of a deeper relationship; he doesn’t seem to need it. He has been denying me physical affection for so long - 10 to 12 years really – and I’ve had to cope with it because we realized divorce was not an option because of the two kids.

I would say that with the lack of love and compassion and sexual intimacy from my husband, I’ve had to seek it within myself. I’ve had to really dig deep in my own spiritual essence to figure out if I would be okay with not having the intimacy but continuing the marriage.

I have felt really really badly about myself. But the more badly I felt, part of me really tried to hold on. I tried to not overeat and get fat, because a lot of women who are in situations like this tend to overeat as they ‘stuff’ their strong emotions and their hurt. I’ve been really aware of that tendency and I’ve been running and exercising and really focusing on keeping myself healthy.

If I could change everything and have exactly what I want – what would I want? That’s a good question. It’s been bad for so long, I can’t even think of what I want. I think having that deep love connection is what I am really looking for. And having somebody really enjoy being with me and enjoy my body and to really make love in a way that’s deep and passionate. I don’t really want a superficial sexual relationship. I really want a deeper, meaningful connection.

And I think the last few years I’ve been so resentful. I’ve hated doing the laundry, I’ve hated cooking dinner. I’ve been resentful and I’ve been against life. And I have not been mindful and positive in each moment. And so that’s what I’ve been working on, just trying to be mindful and to be aware of my surroundings.

When I realized that I had some power, then I had some say by putting that responsibility back on me. I’m responsible for how I feel, and I’m responsible for the way I perceive life, and for what I do and what I’m thinking. That’s when I started going down the path of trying to get myself more inspired to be who I am.

Sierra, Registered Nurse, 45